On Saturday morning my eight-year-old daughter asked if I (Chad) would jump on the trampoline with her. I anxiously and abruptly told her no. Like most eight-year-olds, she replied with a “why”? In a sharp tone I told her that I didn’t know why, but that I couldn’t.
About an hour after parting ways with my daughter, I found some space to be curious about our interaction. Why did I so quickly reply “no” when it was the weekend? Why was my tone so sharp and not inviting? What is going on in me, perhaps unconsciously, that may be impacting this interaction?
It only took a moment for some feelings to rise to the surface: dread and anxiety. I had plans that morning for a small plumbing project, which would require turning off the water to our house. Every time I do this it reminds me of that day. The day I frantically ran downstairs to shut off the main line as the kitchen began to flood. By the time I got it shut off, water was dripping through the floor into the basement.
Dread and anxiety.
To be completely honest, these days I put off plumbing projects for a long as I can. My curiosity and reflection led me to apologize to my daughter for not being aware of what was truly impacting my response.
There is so much happening in this season of Covid 19 and social distancing. We are living through a pandemic! And, experts are proving how little we know about what the future will look like. There is so much going on underneath the surface affecting how we show up for those around us; the fear of our health, the loss of control of the future, anxiety around loss of income or maybe the struggle of multi-tasking for those that have kids at home. How much are we aware of how these fears and anxieties are impacting our daily lives? Have we slowed down enough to acknowledge how we are feeling and what is going on underneath the surface of our lives?
In his book Reboot: Leadership and the Art of Growing Up, Jerry Colonna says "When leaders fail to look at themselves, they turn their inner turmoil and very human contradictions outward. Further, unable to face their fears, they mask the anxiety with aggression. As my friend and mentor Parker Palmer, teaches, 'Violence is what we do when we don't know what to do with our suffering.' Violence to our planet, violence to our communities, and violence to ourselves are what we do when we refuse to look inward and work with the heartbreak of the everyday."
So, how do we intentionally resist allowing our suffering to turn into violence toward others? To be present and love those around us well in this season requires us living an examined life, aware of our shadows and all that is impacting us. The following are some possible questions to ask ourselves as we choose to explore what is happening inside of us:
“How am I feeling? (Google the “feelings wheel” to access a plethora of words)
What is on my mind?
What am I anxious or fearful of?
How are my feelings and fears impacting those around me?
What may I be hiding from others?
Where is my heart in this season?
Is it open or closed off to the potential pain and disappointment?
Who in my life can I let in to how I am feeling? ”