Calling & Life Stages: Mid-Life Adults.

Part 2 (scroll down for Part 1)

Discerning our calling is a life-long journey. How we approach and wrestle with the questions of calling (who am I? Who am I called to be?) will be influenced by our stage of life. Recently, I have had a heightened awareness to this in response to conversations with friends, client work, and paying attention to my own mid-life transition.

Gordon T. Smith has done a beautiful job of speaking to the stages of calling or what he calls, “Phases Of Vocational Development.” On several occasions over the last few months I have found myself back in his material—or just recalling it as I sit with a client. And so, I have taken some time to compile and summarize his work (with a few of my own thoughts thrown in) and will share it in 3 separate posts. Where are you at in these phases?

2. From Early To Mid-Adulthood (for most this begins in mid-thirties):

Once we have experienced a healthy break from our parents and adolescence, we are free to process the next transition. As Smith says, “We can wrestle with mid-life questions on their own terms rather than carrying the baggage of adolescence through the process.” If we have done the work to differentiate from our parents in our twenties we can begin to honestly look at who we are.

“Clarity for vocational purposes can only come after we have lived with ourselves long enough to be able to ask, for example, what matters to me more than anything else?”

This season of adulthood is about narrowing in on our contribution and moving away from trying to be all things to all people. Smith says that to embrace calling in mid-life we must accept two distinct but inseparable realities:

• We honor our limitations: “We accept our limitations and move as quickly as we can beyond illusion about who we are.”

• We own our greatness: “We accept responsibility for our gifts and abilities, and acknowledge with grace what we can do.”

If we fail to accept these realities in our thirties and forties, and don’t make the necessary decisions to filter and focus – we will pay for it in our fifties.

Another important transition in this season is for the parent who serves as the primary care-giver (if this is the case). Smith says, “Such people cannot say that their primary vocation is ‘raising children’ unless they are called to work in an orphanage. We are responsible for raising our children with care. And it is a noble task stay at home and care for home and family. But eventually the children grow up, and the primary caregiver will go through a crisis of identity if he or she does not anticipate this transition.”

Calling & Life Stages: Young Adult Years.

Discerning our calling is a life-long journey. How we approach and wrestle with the questions of calling (who am I? Who am I called to be?) will be influenced by our stage of life. Recently, I have had a heightened awareness to this in response to conversations with friends, client work, and paying attention to my own mid-life transition.

Gordon T. Smith has done a beautiful job of speaking to the stages of calling or what he calls, “Phases Of Vocational Development.” On several occasions over the last few months I have found myself back in his material—or just recalling it as I sit with a client. And so, I have taken some time to compile and summarize his work (with a few of my own thoughts thrown in) and will share it in 3 separate posts. Where are you at in these phases?

1. Phase One: From Adolescence Into Early Adulthood

At some point in our twenties we must come into a place of taking responsibility for our own lives. This means leaving adolescence behind, and here is the most important part – we must experience a healthy separation from our parents. We no longer depend on our parents for our livelihood and well-being. Smith says, “vocational integrity and vitality are only possible if there is a break from parents, from home, from adolescence.”

When we don’t choose to take responsibility for our own lives (and instead continue to depend on our parents) our ability to truly know and understand our own selves is strained. And maybe even more fascinating/illuminating is the link between our inability to separate from parents and how we view an employer:

“If we never leave our parents…what tends to happen is that we inadvertently treat the organizations we work for as though they have a parental function. We expect the one who supplies our paycheck to be our ‘parent,’ caring for us. And we move into a level of emotional dependency that undermines our capacity to make necessary choices…We will continually be disappointed and feel betrayed by organizations if we do not move out of a parent-child relationship of dependence.”

Once we have made this healthy break in our parent-child relationship, we are free to differentiate and explore. Our twenties are a time to learn and grow- to try new things and not fear failure. Much of understanding who we are, comes from understanding who we aren’t- and failure is one of our greatest teachers. Part of taking responsibility for our lives is paying attention to what we learn along the way so that as we move into mid-life, we are prepared to fully embrace our calling and know where to focus.

My Top Ten.

I was reflecting the other day on my biggest learnings as a LifePlan guide in regards to discerning and living out calling. Here are my top 10:

1. Our wounding usually points toward calling. We most want to give that which we were not given.

2. Oftentimes I find that when someone feels stuck, it is simply because they have stopped moving. Movement - steps toward anything - will guide us—even if they are the wrong ones and they tell us that along the way.

3. Calling is easier to get to with clients who have risked and failed. To understand who we are, we need to know who we aren’t.

4. Words matter. What we say- the words we choose- have so many layers of meaning. If we will get curious about our words we can uncover so much about ourselves.

5. It is okay, and even necessary, to explore what brings us pleasure, delight, enjoyment. Without this, we can’t really identify what is meaningful, and therefore attached to our unique calling.

6. Our Core Talents, or natural giftings, can be difficult for us to name on our own because we have a tendency to think that what comes really naturally to us (what doesn’t require striving) must come naturally for everyone else too.

7. Community is infinitely important and worth fighting for. We need people who can accurately mirror us, helping us to see and affirm our greatness, as well as befriend and embrace our shadow.

8. As Parker Palmer points out – we tend to think about burn out as a result of trying to do too much, when much of the time it actually is the result of trying to give out of what we do not possess (we take on roles that don’t align with our design).

9. As Donald Miller says, every good story has a character who knows what they want and will overcome conflict to get it. Taking the time to write down a series of “I want…” statements can be revolutionary. Otherwise- how do we know what is worth fighting for?

10. Calling must be rooted in identity. If we don’t get the answer right to the question, “Who am I?” we will twist how we live out the answer to “What is my unique contribution?” Our starting place is as The Beloved. Any other starting place will lead to hustling, earning and proving.